Abusive former spouses can find every way to make co-parenting almost unbearable. Not to forget the kids who get caught up in the drama. It’s a painful situation for everyone, especially the children.
You need someone you can trust. Trusted Arizona custody lawyers at Jensen Family Law will know how to help you defend your rights and the best interests of your child(ren). But in the meantime, here are some of the ways you can maintain your co-parenting arrangement while staying safe.
Take Care of Yourself
When co-parenting with an abuser, take care of yourself before taking care of anyone else. Get enough sleep, eat well, exercise regularly, avoid stressors like alcohol and drugs (if possible), and spend time with friends who support you and make you feel safe.
Set Boundaries
When dealing with an abusive former spouse, it can be tempting to let them dictate every aspect of how things work between you. However, this creates a dangerous dynamic where they will continue abusing because they know they can get away with it without consequence. Instead, try setting boundaries, so both parties are responsible for keeping their end.
Figure out what your boundaries are. What do you need to feel safe? Is it physical distance from your ex-spouse? Do you need to end all contact? Are there specific topics that are off-limits or trigger happy emotions for you? Is there a time of day that works best for you? Be clear about your needs, and ensure they’re reasonable.
Once you’ve figured out those needs, sit down with your ex-spouse and share them directly. It shows your ex-spouse how much respect and care you have for yourself. They might not meet every need immediately, but they start somewhere.
Know Your Limits
If you’re afraid of being harassed by your former spouse, talk to the police about what steps they can take to keep everyone safe. If the police don’t believe there is enough evidence for them to intervene, talk to a lawyer about getting a restraining order from the court so that your ex cannot contact anyone in person or online without permission from law enforcement officers.
Know Your Rights
You have rights when it comes to co-parenting with an abusive ex-spouse. For example, they cannot force their way into homes or workplaces without permission from law enforcement officers or court orders. They also cannot take away custody of children if they do not have any legal right to do so (such as living full-time with the child).
Develop a Parenting Plan
Developing a parenting plan prepares you to co-parent with your abusive former spouse. A parenting plan should include the following:
- A schedule that includes parenting time for each parent;
- Any special considerations for how you’ll share holidays and vacations;
- What happens if one parent lives more than 100 miles away from the other parent;
- How will the child communicate with both parents; and
- The money each parent contributes for daycare or other expenses related to raising the child.
Keep a Record of Communication with Your Former Partner
You can do this by emailing yourself copies of any emails or texts you send and receive from your ex. When the time comes for child custody hearings or other important court dates, having these recordings will help your lawyer prove that communication between the two of you has been strained or hostile.
Report Breaches
You should report them to the court if they violate court orders. Please keep track of when and where violations occur so that you have proof when reporting them. For example, if your ex-spouse threatens you or the children, write down when and where it occurred.
Once you’ve reported these violations and provided evidence for why they occurred, you must take steps to protect yourself and your children from further abuse or threats by having a safety plan before anything happens again.
Keep Communication Informative, Not Personal
When you use phrases like “you” or “you are,” it might sound like you’re talking about your former spouse in a personal and negative way. Instead, try using words like “we” or “our.” It makes it clear that you’re talking about the kids and their needs.
When you get upset, take a step back, and ask yourself: What am I saying? Is this something my child needs to hear? If not, stop yourself before saying anything that could hurt them or damage their relationship with the other parent.
If the situation has changed significantly in your child custody arrangement, it might be time to request a modification. You would require the counsel of an attorney to navigate the court formalities and defend your rights. No child deserves to grow up with trauma from seeing their parents fight, and your child’s wellbeing comes first.
